There are common non-negotiables we look for in a prospective partner. They should be kind, caring and thoughtful. Having a shared interest helps. So does remembering important dates and anniversaries. But how much does it matter if they know how to pronounce the word “gnocchi�
Turns out that's a potential dealbreaker, at least according to a (rather judgy) cohort on TikTok. See: the “Illiterate Boyfriend†trend, which is testing some couples on the app. Users have compiled a list of what are essentially SAT words for women to ask their male partners to read. Many of these men – this is an overwhelmingly heterosexual activity – fail to finish the list unscathed. They trip over entries such as “hyperboleâ€, “cynicismâ€, “diaphragmatic†and the oft-butchered French term, “hors d'oeuvresâ€.
“I want you to do your best to pronounce these words,†one woman asks her boyfriend in a clip viewed more than 8.8m times. He gamely nails his first attempt, reading off the herb “thymeâ€. But he's less successful with “epitomeâ€, “challah†and “fuchsiaâ€. (“Foo-chia?†he guesses). “Conscientious†and “faux pas†also prove tricky. He ends up with a score of five out of 17, or 29% – very much a failing grade.
The couple laughed through the exercise, but viewers were not as charmed by an adult man struggling through what they considered basic vocabulary. “The fact that his vote matters just as much as mine is really pissing me off,†one woman wrote in the comments section. “I'm gonna be honest girl, this is worth breaking up with him over,†read another comment.
Two of the words the man correctly identified were “colonel†and “regimeâ€, which, to one user, was evidence of a red flag: “he's obviously a Republicanâ€. (Maybe he just has an interest in military history, a time-honored hobby of boyfriends everywhere.) Regardless of political affiliation, it seemed fair game to dunk on Mr Foo-chia. One final quip from a viewer: “He'd be so upset if he could read these comments.â€
The test made its way around TikTok, with more young couples joining in, to similarly bleak results. Even those men who did well got caught up in the pop-misandry circus. One man zipped through the list, ending with a perfect score and a self-satisfied grin. It was not the flex he might have hoped for. “This is the barest fckn minimumest [sic] of bare minimums,†one woman commented. “The men are being praised for literacy we're in hell,†wrote another.
Distress over so-called “intelligence gaps†brings to mind a phenomenon that reverses decades of dating precedent: women are now more likely to marry less-educated men than men are to marry less-educated women. This is not necessarily by women's choice; it is the new dating pool. According to a 2024 Pew Research report, in 1995, young men and women were equally likely to hold a bachelor's degree. Now, 47% of women ages 25 to 34 have one, compared with 37% of their male counterparts.
“We do have in our mating market an oversupply of educated women and an undersupply of formally educated men – I'm talking academically, not necessarily in their skill set, emotional or social intelligence,†said Dr Wendy Walsh, a clinical psychologist and expert at DatingNews.com.
Dr Jess Carbino is a former sociologist for Tinder and Bumble who studies dating apps. When she polls people on what they look for in a partner, “intelligence†is rarely in the top three desired traits. “They say things like humor, kindness, attractiveness, typically,†she said. “Maybe people on the coasts – New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco – might say intelligence. But by and large, that's not one of the top things being measured.†And there are so many different ways to consider intelligence, spelling being a way to formally test fourth-graders, not romantic partners.
One thing people do want is an equal. “It's not necessarily that someone needs a specific degree or to know every word in the dictionary,†said Robin Hamilton, a couples therapist. “It's more: are you able to communicate with me, are you able to meet me halfway with the subjects that I'm talking about?â€
One of those subjects might be reading, an indicator of vocabulary range. Men's rates of book reading have slipped over the past decade; nearly half of all women read just one novel or short story in 2022, but only one in four men did. According to data from Tinder, mentions of books in bios on the dating app jumped 40% this year among women, but only 23% among men. Women believe they see this disparity playing out on TikTok, even if it is through an ultimately meaningless list.
It is elitist – and naive – to draw any real conclusions about what makes a good partner based on a reading test. This “Illiterate Boyfriend†list contains words that may be more indicator of class than intelligence, conflating education with one trait women have prioritized for hundreds of years, mostly due to necessity: having money.
But the trend also reflects a wider disillusionment among straight women, who are significantly less likely to want to date than men are, partly because they say it's hard to find someone who checks all their boxes. “He looks at the word ‘queue' and pronounces it ‘qwi-wee'?†one woman said in a video responding to the test. “And you still have sex with him?â€
“It's rage bait for women who are frustrated and angry with the mating marketplace that is slanted unfairly†against women, Walsh said, adding: “It's OK to date a guy who can't say epitome or niçoise. I have a PhD, but I need spellcheck for hors d'oeuvres.â€
